Sleep finally comes; I hope in its lying promise
that it will dull my pain;
but my dreams are as dark as life
and then the tragedy comes
that I wake again.
And I dream of another sleep
that will never end
but I know the dream is a lie
because everything is a lie
and all that exists is pain
and hope has gone to sleep
like I vainly wish I could do.
And so I push through another ghastly day
and wait until I can sleep
another lying sleep
from which I know I’ll have to arise
and do it all over again
For a moment he forgot again what he was doing there but he knew he was trying to squeeze tears out of his eyes because he thought it would be a release somehow, at least some kind of release, but he squeezed until his eyes burned and ached and nothing came and he hated himself for even trying and despised his own weakness. Then the pain took over again, a knot of it, only knot wasn’t the right word because nothing was the right word, and it burned in him so deep he felt places he never knew he had and they felt deeper than the core of the Earth and the gravity was crushing him deeper into himself and all he could do was curl into it and make guttural noises of rage and frustration.
*Warning: this story is politically charged and likely to be highly offensive to a great many people. If you’re a patriotic American with high blood pressure, please don’t read it. I’m serious. It’s also very very sad.
A story which could also be titled, “Why I No Longer Pledge Allegiance”.
The time is 2:27 in the afternoon. The location is some remote village in Afghanistan that has a name, but a name that would mean nothing to most American citizens. An unmanned aerial combat vehicle (drone) fires a missile. The missile strikes the largest building in the village, a three-storied rectangular concrete structure which happens to be used as a children’s hospital. Eighteen children immediately perish. A small bloody foot juts out from the smoldering wreckage and a man is running up to it, running, running and clutching his heart and the tears are running down his face and he lifts up his eyes to the sky and even though he can’t see through the tears he shakes his impotent fist at what he knows is up there and feels in his heart that he would rejoice to die if it would only harm the monsters who sent this unmanned killing machine into his village and killed his only son.
A change of pace, before I get back to Perrin. I was just about to drift off to sleep in my chair the other night and my dream self dumped the idea into my head just like that. Not sure what to say about it except that it’s darkly disturbing. Is it ironic or just absurd? Is there a point to it? I’m honestly not sure. But I wrote it down anyway. Who am I to question my dream self?