Peace

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve posted anything; which is a fact I may or may not be the only one who’s noticed. 😉 But anyway I thought I’d drop a couple lines so as not to leave things hanging.

I didn’t intend to quit things here so suddenly, but it happened. I guess I just ran out of energy for the blog. But as I was thinking the other day, that’s probably a good thing, because it means it already accomplished what I needed it for.

When I made that first post a few months ago, I was a quivering mess of nerves and uncertainty. My life strategy for years had been to exile doubt and pummel it into submission by frenetically studying and seeking out ways to justify and bolster faith. That strategy had reached a breaking point, which left me in a conundrum. I won’t rehash it all here. My only point right now is that I felt compelled by my love of honesty to express my newly evolving ways of thinking publicly, since I had so bullheadedly expressed my old opinions as publicly as I could; but I was also paralyzed with fear over the reactions of anger and ostracism that I supposed the admission of those ideological changes might provoke.

Fast forward to the present: I feel satisfied that I’ve expressed myself honestly, if not exhaustively. And in the outpouring of various responses, I’ve been overwhelmed by kindness and love, even from many people who disagree more or less strongly with my own opinions. You’ve all been awesome. You’re a persuasive argument against the Calvinistic doctrine of total depravity. 😉

All that to say, I’m genuinely at peace right now. I’m still confused about a lot of things, I still have way more doubt and way less certainty than I had before, but I’m ok with that. There’s beauty in the mysteries of life. I’m finding a new kind of stimulation in seeking without a guarantee of finding. I have an awesome family, awesome friends, and a deep dark thrilling universe of ideas to explore. I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the grace and acceptance you’ve shown me.

But yeah, hmm, this blog now… not sure if I’ll do anything further with it or not. Lately I’ve devoted most of my writing energies to fiction (I’m currently working on a fantasy novel for young adults). But I’m also realizing that my propensity to write is chiefly valuable for my own mind. I find the whole process therapeutic, which is reason enough to continue, but maybe not reason enough to keep a blog going or foist my mutable opinions upon the world.

That’s all I have for now. Thank you, again, to all who have walked with me through some of the challenging parts of my journey. You’re the bomb diggity. I wish you all much peace and happiness. Rock out, laugh whenever you want, eat too much bacon without feeling guilty, and (as they say in John and Hank Green’s hometown) don’t forget to be awesome.

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